(cues* Invader - Jim Johnston*)
Wiz: The good old days of RareWare, everyone misses it don't they?
Boomstick: I definitely do, Wiz, I definitely do... today, we're pitting two of RareWare's most popular characters against each other.
Wiz: Like Banjo-Kazooie, the Bear and Bird duo.
Boomstick: And Conker, the alcoholic Squirrel.
Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skill to find out who would win, a Death Battle.
(Cue Spiral Mountain)
Wiz: Banjo was once a young bear happily walking along on Breegul Beach untill he found a little red bird named Kazooie. Kazooie and Banjo immediately became best friends untill the very end. They spent their days rescuing villagers, saving the world, and finding golden puzzle pieces known as jiggies.
Boomstick: And damn, these guys can fight! They can shoot elemental eggs, slam their heavy backpack on enemies, attack with a metal wrench, roll into stuff, levitate objects, punch, peck, land down on the ground and use Kazooie as a drill, and hatch mini robotic Kazooies to go around and self destruct!
Wiz: Kazooie has been shown to easily carry and fly Banjo around at high speeds. She can also help Banjo glide and swim faster. Speaking of swimming, Kazooie can even become a torpedo underwater.
Boomstick: But there's another awesome thing to talk about: Vehicles. You heard me right. Vehicles.
Wiz: In Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts Kazooie can wave her wrench in the air to summon vehicles they've built. These vehicles can be cars, planes, boats, spaceships, moving fortresses, jets, tanks, and almost anything their little minds can think of. The weapons on the vehicles can be bombs, grenades, eggs, metal fists, spikes, flamethrowers, and even a self destruct/eject button. They also have the Jiggy Rain ability where they rain down jiggies on opponent's and greatly damage them.
Boomstick: Now, if we're talking about how fast these vehicles can go, try faster than light on for size. As long as they've got enough jets and engines, they can leave Sonic the Hedgehog in the dust.
Wiz: As for feats, Banjo has walked in lava like it was nothing, survived dropping thousands of feet, beaten up dragons, dinosaurs, witches, and robots, and restored the entire Banjo-Kazooie universe's timeline. Now, onto the weaknesses-
Boomstick: WHAT ABOUT THE WONDER WING AND BOGGY'S GYM?
Wiz: What? Oh yeah. Kazooie can make Banjo invincible for a short time with the Wonder Wing and Banjo has become extremely durable, fast, and strong after working out at Boggy's gym in Nuts and Bolts.
Boomstick: Thanks dude, carry on.
Wiz: Banjo is weak to being crushed by large objects, and Banjo has a limited supply of feathers and eggs for flying and shooting. Also, the vehicles can run out of fuel and ammo over time and parts like the wheels can break off.
Boomstick: Too bad Rare won't give us Banjo-Threeie if they win.
(Cue Jiggy Fanfare)
Wiz: In a certain mode, Conker is a king, a very egoist and avaricious king.
Boomstick: And this king is a....FUCKING ORANGE SQUIRREL!?
Wiz: Conker, like Banjo-Kazooie, were propiety of Rare (a subsidiary company of Nintendo) but alongside Banjo-Kazooie, his franchise was owned by Microsoft.
Boomstick: And Conker's Bad Fur Day remake for the first Xbox, Conker Live & Reload, was one of the worst games to an Xbox console!
Wiz: Conker wears a blue sweater and a soldier green helmet, and his favoriteBlinx and most powerful weapon is a type of bazooka called the Hand Cannon which can kill Conker's aim of one shot! Yes, a Squirrel using weapons is weird, but true.
Boomstick: And also he has knives that he throws into the head of the enemy. His riffle is not his most dangerous weapon, but never fails!
Wiz: He also uses 2 Uzis that fails EVERYTIME, and he also uses a M-16, a normal bazooka, a sword, Grenades, a chainsaw, a shotgun, a "Tommy gun", a pan, and he is an expert of bite his enemies.
Boomstick: The rest of weapons, Conker needs to get with CLEAN HANDS.
Wiz: Conker's story is large, he only was trying to go to his house, but get annoyed, since he was attacked by killer teddy bears called Tedixes or also Ending in a dinosaur colosseum.
Boomstick: And he, being a SQUIRREL, needed to use FIRE Weapons! He is the most dangerous animal ever, beware him! I never thought that of a squirrel.
Wiz: Not only that, Conker killed Banjo and Kazooie! In the game's first cutscene we can see Banjo's head, and in the chapter menu, we can see Kazooie turned in a umbrella!
Boomstick: He also raced alongside Diddy Kong and his friends in Diddy Kong Racing, game which Conker debuted. Alongside Banjo-Kazooie, he was removed of the game after Microsoft owned the characters.
Wiz: His game's Ending was emotive, but not happy. He finally turned his Dreams into reality, being a powerful king of the leaves, but after losing his girlfriend, Berri and Conker lived in sadness.
Boomstick: I'm sorry of him, and the worst of all, his game is about of a CUTE squirrel that kills at cold blood.
Conker: Well, here I am! Conker the King... king of all the land! Who'd a thought that? But how did I come to this, you say? And who are those strange fellows that surround my throne? That you also say! Well. It's a long story. Come closer and I'll tell you. It all started... yesterday. And what a day that was! It's what I call... a bad fur day!
Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set, let's end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: And Banjo will revenge to Conker being killed, and now, it's time for a Rare Death Battle!!!
Banjo and Kazooie are seen sitting inside their small house, playing a game of poker with their friends Mumbo Jumbo and Bottles. As they played Conker stood atop Spiral Mountain. He took out a bazooka and aimed it down-range and fired. The missile flew through the air before finally striking the house, blowing it into a thousand pieces. Conker lowered his bazooka and threw it away, unholstering a shotgun. Before he could walk away, Banjo-Kazooie came crashing out of the rumble and flew towards him, landing on the ground, preparing themselves for battle.
Banjo: You'll regret that, you chipmunk.
Conker: Damn it, I'm a squirrel do I look like a chipmunk to you!?
Banjo: Enough talk, let's fight!
Conker: Let's do this!