“Looney Toons versus Dragon Ball! Which cocky, long-eared humanoid animal will win?”
Pixie: Hey, Spider. What has long ears, a cocky smile and world-breaking levels of power?
Spider: I don’t think I’ve heard this riddle before… but if I had to guess, I’d say Bugs Bunny, Warner Bros.’s mascot.
Pixie: Well, yeah, but I was actually thinking about our other combatant, Beerus, the God of Destruction.
Spider: I’m Spider.
Pixie: And I’m Pixie!
Spider: And it’s our job to analyze their power, abilities and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Spider: Like most of the Looney Toons, Bugs Bunny doesn’t really have an origin. He first appeared in the 1940’s animated film, “A Wild Hare”. A wild rabbit living in the forest, Bugs was stalked by the hunter Elmer Fudd, whom Bugs repeatedly outwitted and manipulated.
Pixie: That pretty much set the tone for the rest of Bugs Bunny’s film career. Bugs has tangled with foes like Elmer, Yosemite Sam, Marvin the Martian and Daffy Duck, and in dang-near every conflict, Bugs has made a laughing stock out of his opponents using his quick wits, natural athleticism and blatant denial of the laws of physics.
Spider: Bugs is extremely speedy, able to outrun bullets and even laser-beams on foot. He’s also strong enough to twist a shot-gun barrel into a knot, plug a gun barrel with his fingers, and… lift and throw a life-sized robotic replica of a triceratops. It’s a long story.
Pixie: While he’s more used to dealing out punishment than being on the receiving end, Bugs can certainly survive being the punch-line now and then. He’s capable of shrugging off most injuries, including shotgun blasts to the face, being thrown into the air by a bull and being crushed flat. Not impressive enough for you? How about the time Bugs Bunny was at Ground 0 for an explosion that destroyed the moon, and was completely unharmed?
Spider: Thanks to his natural strength, speed and endurance, Bugs is extremely skilled at many sports. He bested an entire team of base-ball players when he was the only member of his own team, and won a boxing match against an opponent several times his size.
Pixie: He also played basketball alongside Shaquille O’Neil to save the Earth from aliens. I did not make up any part of that.
Spider: Being a rabbit, Bugs has a prominent set of ears, and they’re useful for a lot more than you might expect. He can use them like a drill-bit to rapidly tunnel through countless miles of earth and rock, or stick them above ground to function like a submarine’s periscope. He can also use them as a second set of hands, block attacks, or spin them like helicopter propellers to fly. Bugs is remarkably intelligent and deceptive.
Pixie: You might even say he’s a wascally wabbit.
Spider [rolling eyes]: …Yes, you might say just that. He is highly skilled in disguise, acting and psychological warfare, capable of driving enemies to the point of raving frustration in mere minutes.
Pixie: While his natural abilities are pretty great, Bugs also packs an impressive arsenal. He can pull mallets, guns and explosives out of nowhere, and even wields a Carrot Light-saber. Man, I’ll bet Disney wishes they had bought Star Wars in time to sue him for that…
Spider: But Bugs’ greatest weapon is easily the Toon Force. He can defy physics, gravity and momentum, walking on air or stopping himself from hitting the ground after a great fall.
Pixie: And if Bugs ever finds himself in a fix too tough to get out of, he can hijack the cartoon he is in, becoming the animator. And you thought he was just a wise-cracking rabbit, didn’t you?
Spider: It’s important to note that being the animator of the cartoon isn’t quite the same as being omnipotent. When Daffy gained animator powers and used them against Bugs, Bugs sabotaged him by destroying his art supplies, so it’s probable the same vulnerability applies to Bugs when he is an animator. Also, while he is certainly capable of using brute force when the opportunity arises, Bugs rarely engages in direct combat, and even when he does, he hardly takes his fights seriously. Though he is very quick-witted, he has been outsmarted once or twice, so he’s not completely infallible.
Pixie: Still, you have to hand it to a guy who has managed to be one of the most famous cartoon characters of all time for over seven decades.
[Clip from Looney Tunes plays.]
Bugs: Ehhh, what’s up, doc?
Spider: Within the world of Dragon Ball there are many beings with the power to destroy entire planets with ease, but even in such a world, few can stand up to the power of Beerus, the God of Destruction.
Pixie: To be fair, Beerus doesn’t just blow up planets for the sake of being evil like that dick Frieza. Being the God of Destruction is his job, and his opposition to the Supreme Kais (Gods of Creation) is necessary to maintain the balance of the universe. Birds fly, fish swim, Kais make planets, Beerus blows them the fuck up.
Spider: Well, that may be painting Beerus as a little more objective than he is. While it is his job to blow up planets, he often picks planets for petty or spiteful reasons.
Pixie: Like the time he blew up half a planet because the drink he was served had too high of a fat content. Or the time he lost a game of Hide-And-Seek with King Kai and blew up the planet in a hissy fit. Jeez, this guy’s even more irresponsible than Ryuk. Is it like a law of anime that all Gods of Death have to horribly abuse their powers?
Spider: Beerus had a dream in which he confronted a warrior of immense strength called the Super Saiyan God. After consulting his mentor Whis and the Oracle Fish, Beerus learned that the few Saiyans left alive were living on Earth.
Pixie: At which point Beerus traveled to Earth, was served a lovely meal by Vegeta and his family, and proceeded to BEAT THE EVER-LOVING SHIT OUT OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE. Starting with Goku. After being denied a pudding cup by Majin Buu, Beerus was just about ready to blow up the Earth, but Goku managed to stall him for time by claiming he was going to go bring out the Super Saiyan God. Beerus decided to wait, because like every Shonen character ever, Beerus is obsessed with fighting powerful opponents.
Spider: Goku eventually learned the secret of becoming a Super Saiyan God, and returned to fight Beerus.
Pixie: At which point Beerus showed off how ridiculous his powers actually are. In addition to his martial arts skills and planet-shattering strength, Beerus can fire Ki Blasts capable of destroying solar systems. It’s even been implied that he could destroy the universe.
Spider: He’s fast enough to repeatedly out-pace Goku, who is massively faster than light in his own right.
Pixie: Beerus can also deflect, cancel out or redirect energy attacks at will, form clones, and hear people from great distances away. Oh, and because he is apparently not over-powered enough yet, Beerus has an attack called Destruction. It destroys things. In slow, screaming agony. Anything, apparently, including physical gods, and ghosts. He pretty much never uses this technique in battle, however. I guess because it makes fights too easy for him, or something. Anything holding this guy back?
Spider: Fortunately for the denizens of Earth, yes. Beerus is not actually the most powerful character in Dragon Ball, as he outranked by both his mentor Whis, and by Zen-Oh, the ruler of all twelve universes. As noted above, he has a very poor temper, and can be childish, petty, and gluttonous. He’s pretty arrogant and rarely expends much of his full energy in combat, and also has a habit of falling asleep suddenly.
Pixie: That’s… not really enough to balance out the fact that he’s a God of Destruction.
[Clip from Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods.]
Beerus: You have realized the power of Beerus, the God of Destruction.
Spider: Alright, our combatants are set. Let’s end this debate once and for all.
Pixie: It’s time for a DEATH BATTLE!
* * *
Beerus is floating a few feet above Earth, holding a massive, glowing ball of yellow ki energy over his head. Abruptly, Bugs Bunny pops out of the ground below him, munching a carrot.
“Eh, what’s up doc?”
Beerus looks down. “I’m about to destroy the Earth. I’ve grown weary of your ill manners.”
Bugs pauses and throws a skeptical look at the audience, then looks back at Beerus. “I gotta say doc, that sounds like a bit of an over-reaction. Earth happens to be the only planet carrots grow on, ya know. Think we can talk this out?”
Beerus cancels out his ki ball and descends to the ground to meet Bugs. “Perhaps we can make a deal. I came to this planet because I believed it could offer me a worthy opponent, but so far, everyone I have faced has been quite disappointing. Do you think you could offer me some entertainment?”
Bugs shrugs. “Why not? If it’s that important to you, big fella.”
Beerus smirks and takes his fighting stance. “Excellent. Let us begin.”
Beerus rushes at Bugs, but Bugs stands his ground and holds out a pudding cup. Smiling, Beerus stops flying forwards, takes the pudding cup and opens it, and a spring-loaded boxing glove launches out of the cup and smashes into Beerus’s face. Scowling, Beerus drops the cup and flicks Bugs Bunny on the forehead. This launches Bugs flying several miles towards the side of the nearest mountain, but Bugs abruptly sticks his feet out and stops in mid-air a few inches from the ground. Beerus appears and launches a tiny blast of ki at Bugs, obliterating the mountain in a massive cloud of dust.
Beerus descends, his arms crossed, smirking. “A pity. I had sincerely hoped that I had finally found the opponent I sought.”
Without Beerus noticing, Bugs emerges from the ground behind him. Bugs pulls out a sign with a picture of a donkey on it, points a thumb towards Beerus and gives the audience a knowing look while Beerus continues to monologue.
“Now all that is left is the destruction of Earth. Regrettable, given the many fine foods here—”
Bugs pulls out a sign with a picture of a screw and a baseball, then a sign showing a jar of peanuts.
“--but I cannot shirk from my duties. Before creation must come destruct—”
Bugs abruptly smashes a large mallet over Beerus’ head. Furious, Beerus turns to strike Bugs, but the rabbit has disappeared. Bugs suddenly pops out of the collar of Beerus’s shirt, punches him in the chin with a boxing glove and ducks back. Bugs repeatedly pops out of Beerus’ clothing, punching him in the head until Beerus catches his hand, yanks him out and slams him against the ground, flattening him like a pancake. After a moment, Bugs stick his thumb in his mouth, blows, inflates himself and stands up.
“I sought a fight,” Beerus shouts, “not these nonsensical games. Show me the full extent of your power or stop wasting my time.”
Bugs makes an angry face, then puts on a carrot-orange gi with a green belt and a spiky, black wig. “Alright Buster, you asked for it. Now face the mighty Ka-carrot!”
Bugs and Beerus charge each other and unleash a rapid flurry of punches. Their fists clash off each other for several seconds. Bugs pulls his hands out of his gloves, puts them behind his head and relaxes while his gloves continue trading punches with Beerus. Abruptly, Beerus appears behind Bugs and attempts to hit him with a chop, but Bugs catches his hand with his ears, and hurls him away.
Beerus flies high above the Earth, and Bugs ditches his costume and follows him by spinning his ears like propellers. Beerus fires a barrage of ki blasts at Bugs, but Bugs draws his carrot light-saber and casually parries the blasts one-handed.
“I get the feeling you’re holding back,” Beerus growls.
“You really shouldn’t take life so seriously, doc,” Bugs quips, putting away his light-saber. “You’ll never make it out alive if you do.”
Beerus raises his hand over his head and begins creating another massive, glowing ki-ball. “I’ll show you the power of the God of Destruction!” he declares.
Bugs Bunny pulls out a beach chair, a pair of shades and a tanning mirror, and lays back, mockingly basking in the glow of Beerus’s ki-ball. As Beerus launches the attack, Bugs abruptly turns the tanning mirror towards him. The ki-ball bounces off the mirror and engulfs Beerus’s body as he screams in pain and vanishes.
Bugs dusts off his hands and drifts back to Earth, smiling as he touches the ground. “What a rube. Heh. What a schlemiel! Heh, heh, heh!”
Bugs grabs his sides laughing. A moment later, Beerus appears behind him, his skin singed, and begins laughing with him.
“Ha ha!” Beerus laughs. “What a pompous fool he was!”
“Yeah!” Bugs agrees. “What a nimrod!”
The two laugh heartily for a few seconds. As Bugs looks back and realizes Beerus is standing behind him, his laughter slowly becomes quieter and more nervous. Beerus continues laughing louder and louder, smiling at Bugs with an expression of homicidal insanity, then abruptly stops, shoots Bugs an icy glare and extends his palm.
“Destruction,” Beerus growls.
Bugs’ eyes grow wide as saucers as a gleaming flash of light appears on his chest. His body slowly begins to dissolve into speck of purple energy, then vanishes.
Beerus soars triumphantly into the stratosphere and begins gathering a massive ball of gleaming ki in hands for one final attack. “Now,” he growls. “I will destroy this planet, so that I never have to listen to another talking rabbit again.”
The gleam of the ki-ball grows brighter and brighter, gleaming over the Earth like a second sun. Waves of force make the ocean ripple, and mountains tremble and shudder at Beerus’ power. Beerus hurls the ki-blast at Earth, and it sails screaming towards the planet. Suddenly, the ki blast vanishes with a quiet pop.
Beerus stares down at the Earth in shock. “What!? What happened to the kaboom? There was supposed to be an Earth-shattering kaboom!”
“Sorry doc, but the special effects budget ran out.”
Beerus looks around in confusion. “Impossible! I destroyed you. Where is that voice coming from!?”
A large, pink pencil eraser moves over Beerus’ body, erasing him from existence. The screen zooms out to reveal Bugs Bunny, sitting over a drawing of Dragon Ball’s Earth and twirling the pencil in his hand.
“Ain’t I a stinker?”
THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!
Back on the Earth inside the animation, Goku rushes back to where Beerus was waiting.
“Alright Beerus,” Goku says, “I’m ready to show you the Super Saiyan God! …Beerus? Uh, Beerus? Where’d you go?”
Goku looks around, scratching his head. After a moment he shrugs his shoulders and flies off.
Pixie: Is it just me, or have anime characters have been having a tough time lately?
Spider: Beerus had far more combat experience than Bugs Bunny, and his ruthlessness, strength, speed and destructive force made him a major threat, but Bugs’ Toon Force let him handily evade or deflect the worst of Beerus’ attacks. Furthermore, Beerus’ bad temper and ease of becoming frustrated made him an easy target for Bugs’ trickery and head-games.
Pixie: So, I know what you’re thinking: how did Bugs survive Beerus’ Destruction attack?
Spider: While Beerus has been able to destroy gods and ghosts, Bugs nature as a Looney Toon gave him a unique kind of survivability that Beerus had never faced before. Bugs has already survived being erased by an animator, so it’s unlikely Destruction would have been able to… well… destroy him. Given that Destruction’s effects are gradual and slow, Bugs had plenty of time to negate its effects by jumping out of the cartoon and into the real world.
Pixie: While Bugs couldn’t take out Beerus in direct combat, his animator powers gave him an ace in the hole.
Spider: Beerus had no conceivable defense against being erased from the animation, and Bugs’ ability to slip between the cartoon world and the real world at whim essentially made all of Beerus’ power moot. While Daffy lost to Bugs despite having animator powers, it’s important to remember that Bugs had prior experience with characters behaving as animators, and had a fourth-wall awareness that Beerus lacked. Beerus couldn’t even understand that Bugs was attacking from outside the multiverse, let alone defend against such an attack.
Pixie: Beerus got rubbed out!
Spider: The winner is Bugs Bunny.