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Captain Falcon vs Speed Racer
Season 3, Episode 5 (Finale)
Vital statistics
Air date Unknown
Written by Corspy98
Directed by Corspy98
Episode guide
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Captain Falcon vs Speed Racer is a What-If? episode of Death Battle.


Wiz: Racing is one of the most popular sport games of our time.

Boomstick: Wiz, I thought we were doing a Death Battle!

Wiz: We are, Boomstick, it's just that it's going to be race-themed.

Boomstick: Oh, well that is cool! Captain Falcon, driver of the Blue Falcon...

Wiz: ...and Speed Racer, driver of the Mach-5.  Now in this Death Battle, both combatants will race around trying to kill each other with every trick in their vehicle that they know...

Boomstick: ...which means that the Finish Line will be one of the opponents to die!  He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills...

Boomstick: (interrupting) Mostly from their racing vehicles.

Wiz: find out who would win a Death Battle.

Boomstick: Race, that is.

Captain Falcon

Wiz: Born as Douglas Jay Falcon in the city of Port Town, Captain Falcon is one of the greatest racers and bounty hunters in the history of the world.

Boomstick: It's rumored that his 'Captain' title comes from his years in the Internova Police Force...

???: But he's move on since then. Now, he's the champion of the F-Zero racing competition.


Ani: I'm Anakin, but you can just call me Ani. Are you an angel?

Boomstick: Wiz, did you invite this squeaker?

Wiz: Uh, no. I thought you invited him.

Ani: I heard that you were doing a race battle, so I decided to be your cohost. I am the greatest Podracer ever, after all.

Boomstick: Get out. NAO.

Wiz: Hold on, Boomstick. He could be helpful. Plus, it's just one episode.

Boomstick: Fine. One episode.

Wiz: Moving on, Captain Falcon has trained himself to perfection on his own personal island chain off the coast of Port Town.

Boomstick: He has his own island chain?!? I should try out this 'racing' thing...

Ani: It doesn't pay very well. At least, not for me. Although, that might be because I'm a slave boy with no rights, thus making it impossible to make any money. But hey, I'm not on Tatooine anymore. I think that I can legally make money now. Wink wink.

Boomstick: We are NOT going to pay you.

Wiz: *AHEM*. Back to the topic at hand, Captain Falcon is the pilot of the Blue Falcon, the most well-rounded, adaptable car in the history of F-Zero.

Boomstick: Racing number 111, This baby weighs 1,260 kg, has 3,200 PS, and has a top speed of around 284 mph. I don't know if that's impressive or not, because I'm not a car nerd.

Ani: Well, to give you some comparison, the current fastest car in the world is only around 270 mph.

Boomstick: Well, I'd say that's pretty impressive. Turns out you actually are good for something, Ani.

Ani: Are you an angel?

Boomstick: Shut the fuck up.

Ani: Oh. Okay.

Wiz: The Blue Falcon has boosters, which boost it forward at incredible speeds. Combined with it's smooth turns, this is an amazing technique.

Boomstick: Captain Falcon has to be carful, though. If he doesn't, well, you see, HE COULD EXPLODE.

*The Blue Falcon crashes and explodes*

Ani: I had a friend whose Podracer exploded once. It was Sebulba's fault.

Boomstick: Do you think that Sebulba sabotaged the Blue Falcon too?

Wiz: No, that's stupid. It's probably because.... Because.... Okay, you're right. Why the hell does the Blue Falcon explode whenever it crashes? It also happens if he boosts too much!

*The Blue Falcon explodes after boosting*

Ani: Ouch.

Boomstick: That just defies logic.

Wiz: Imma Google that.

*Wiz Googles 'Spacecar exploding after crashing'*

Ani: Any luck?

Wiz: Nope. It's completely unexplained why it explodes.

Boomstick: Maybe it's the loss of energy?

Wiz: If that were the case, it wouldn't have enough stored up energy to explode. It only makes sense that it would explode because of too much energy.

Ani: Let's just not question it. The Blue Falcon explodes a lot. It's unexplained, but it happens. Let's move on.

Boomstick: Well, there isn't really much to move on to. Sure, Falcon has other abilities outside of his Spacecar, but this is a Death Race, not a Death Battle.

Wiz: So... We move on to Speed Racer now?

Ani: Sure.

Captain Falcon: Come on; Blue Falcon!

Speed Racer




Who would you be rooting for?

The poll was created at 05:49 on August 18, 2014, and so far 52 people voted.