| Dutch Schaefer vs. John Matrix | |
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| Season 2, Episode 11 | |
| Air date | November 12, 2017 |
| Written by | I'm Lynda |
| Episode guide | |
| Previous Kiriko Shijima vs. Mockingbird (AoS) |
Next Captain Citrus vs. Pepsiman |
Dutch Schaefer vs. John Matrix is a What-If? Death Battle by I'm Lynda. It features Dutch Schaefer from the 1987 movie, Predator, and John Matrix from the 1985 movie, Commando.
Description[]
They are walking, talking one-man-armies, and when they get together sparks will fly...not to mention knives, bullets, hand grenades, missiles...
Interlude[]
Wiz: The 1980s action movie heroes – tough, hard-drinking, hard-smoking men with large muscles and even larger weapons. Wherever they went there was sure to be gunfire and explosions.
Boomstick: Ah, it sounds like a Boomstick family get-together. Although Grandma Boomstick is the hardest drinking AND hardest smoking.
Wiz: Hmmm. Well, instead of the Boomstick Clan, we are going with two of the toughest 80s action movie heroes we can find. The first is Dutch Schaefer, American Special Forces soldier who can fire just about any weapon and kill just about any opponent.
Boomstick: And then there’s John Matrix, American Special Forces soldier who can fire just about any weapon and kill just about any opponent.
Wiz: I’m Wiz, and he’s Boomstick.
Boomstick: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
Dutch Schaefer[]
Wiz: In the 1960s, Alan “Dutch” Schaefer left college, and joined the United States Army. During the Vietnam War he served with distinction, and was captured by the Viet Cong.
Boomstick: The Viet Cong tortured Dutch over an extended period, and though they could beat him, they could never break him. When he was eventually released, Dutch returned to the life he knew and loved, being a soldier.
In 1980, however, Dutch left the Army, and formed his own private military company that specialized in black ops, taking the jobs that others found impossible to do.
Boomstick: But though Dutch is one of the toughest of the toughest, he has his principles. His company takes on rescue missions, and never takes on assassination missions.
Wiz: In 1987, Dutch and his men were on just such a mission in a remote part of the Republic of Val Verde when they went up against the toughest opponents that Dutch ever faced – a Yuanja hunter, known more colloquially as “the Predator.”
Boomstick: This well-armed and well-equipped space alien wiped out Dutch’s team one-by-one. But, when the alien stood alone against Dutch, he soon found that he was up against an opponent that could not be beaten.
Wiz: Dutch led the Predator into a trap, fought hand-to-hand with it, and even survived the creature’s retaliatory strike in the form of either a pocket-sized nuke, or something very similar.
Boomstick: And when the dust cleared, the rain forest was devastated, and the only thing standing was Dutch.
Wiz: Dutch Schaefer is an incredibly tough opponent. He is well trained in the use of weapons, and can probably operate just about any weapon that comes into his hands. Even more, he is an expert at improvising weapons. He can turn things around him into weapons, creating traps, projectiles, or anything else he needs.
Boomstick: And don’t think that getting past Dutch’s weapons will give you an advantage. He’s an expert at hand-to-hand combat, who can kill just as easily with his bare hands as he can with his machine guns. They say this Dutch Schaefer is one bad mother...
Wiz: Boomstick!
Boomstick: But I’m talking about Dutch Schaefer!
John Matrix[]
Wiz: John Matrix served in the United States military, rising up in the ranks, until he became a Colonel in the Special Forces unit called Delta Force.
Boomstick: However, though Matrix became something of a legend in the U.S. military, his Army career was not the best thing in his life.
Wiz: That’s right, at the top of his game, Matrix retired so that he could spend more time with his daughter, Jenny.
Boomstick: But an old enemy of Matrix, the deposed dictator Arius, sent mercenaries to kidnap Jenny, so that he could use her as a hostage.
Wiz: His plan was to have Matrix assassinate the President of the Republic of Val Verde.
Boomstick: But, he didn’t really realize who he was dealing with.
Wiz: Matrix tracked the old tyrant to his compound, single-handedly took on the man’s private army, and killed them all with machine guns, rockets, knives, axes, and even saw blades.
Boomstick: And when the dust cleared, the only thing standing was Matrix.
Wiz: John Matrix is an incredibly tough opponent. He is well trained in the use of weapons, and can probably operate just about any weapon that comes into his hands. Even more, he is an expert at improvising weapons. He can turn things around him into weapons, creating traps, projectiles, or anything he needs.
Boomstick: And don’t think that getting past Matrix’s weapons will give you an advantage. He’s an expert at hand-to-hand combat, who can kill just as easily with his bare hands as he can with his machine guns. They say this John Matrix is one bad mother...
Wiz: Boomstick!
Boomstick: But I’m talking about John Matrix!
Intermission[]
Wiz: Alright the combatants are set; let’s end this debate once and for all.
Boomstick: Its time for a DEATH BATTLE!
DEATH BATTLE![]
Pre-Fight []
Dutch Schaefer ran through the verdant Val Verde jungle, his eyes scanning left and right, his SP1 swinging along, ready to blast any target that came into view. Someone, or something, had killed all the men under his command, and Dutch was determined to make the killer pay. He ran to the edge of a clearing, and stopped dead in his tracks.
Meanwhile, John Matrix ran through the verdant Val Verde jungle, his eyes scanning left and right, his M60E3 machine gun swinging along, ready to blast any target that came into view. His daughter, Jenny, was somewhere ahead, in General Arius’s compound. Matrix had already killed a number of Arius’s men, and he was going to make them all pay. He ran to the edge of a clearing, and stopped dead in his tracks.
The two men spotted each other across the clearing and froze. Each of the two men realized that they faced a formidable opponent in the other.
Dutch called out, “So, yaw the one that keelled my men?”
Matrix sneered back at the other man, “They wuh scum, and got what they desuved!”
And with that he lifted the M60 and opened fire.
FIGHT! []
Dutch leapt to his left, rolled on his shoulder, and came up, firing a quick three-round burst from his SP1 before leaping to the left and rolling again.
Matrix dropped to his left knee and brought the M60 over, spraying the jungle with bullets.
Dutch leaped up and squeezed off another three-round burst at the maniac with the machine gun. He feinted to his left, and then dropped and rolled backward.
Matrix slowed his fire to short bursts, shredding the jungle flora, while watching for his opponent to show himself again. Matrix realized that this man was a far better fighter than the rest of Arius’s men. The others were odds & sods; cannon fodder to fill out Arius’s ranks, but this one was different.
Bullets whizzed past Dutch’s head as he took a moment to take stock of the situation. His opponent knew what he was doing. It’s no wonder he had been able to stalk and murder his team so efficiently. He knew that he would have to be very good, and very lucky, when dealing with this one.
He looked up into the forest canopy, and spotted a large tree branch that was in the right position. He brought up his weapon, and fired the M203 grenade launcher.
Matrix saw the grenade launch, and followed its flight into the canopy over his head. He blanched at the explosion, and then noticed that among the debris raining down was a tree branch the size of a fully-grown tree back home. He dropped his machine gun and dove backward.
The tree branch landed with a sharp crack, and Matrix heard the sound of the M60 being crushed beneath the weight.
Major Schaefer sprang up, and raced forward, firing sprays of 5.56 mm bullets into the jungle.
Matrix pulled out his Desert Eagle Mark I, and began firing at the charging man. He was gratified when the man cried out, and crumpled to the jungle floor.
The jungle was quiet in the aftermath of the firefight, as if Mother Nature herself was keeping her head down.
Colonel Matrix rose slowly, and stepped towards his opponent’s last known position. He held the pistol in both hands, constantly keeping the muzzle in motion as he scanned his surroundings for the man.
Suddenly, Dutch leaped up from behind a bush, his camouflage paint keeping him hidden those necessary extra seconds. He seized Matrix’s wrists in his hands, and the two men began to grapple for the gun.
Matrix looked down the other man’s arms, and on his right shoulder he spotted a bloody crease, where one of his bullets had winged the man. Matrix took a moment to berate himself for making such a sloppy shot. He would not be sloppy again.
He reared back, and slammed his head into Dutch’s face. Dutch cried out at the impact, but his faced registered more anger than pain. He reared back, and slammed his head into Matrix’s face.
“Ah!” Matrix cried out, and Dutch caught him off-guard sufficiently to wrench the pistol away from him.
Before he could even turn, Matrix moved quickly, and punched Dutch on his wounded shoulder. Dutch’s arm went lower, and Matrix lashed out with his right foot, booting the gun away, into the foliage.
Dutch whipped his arm around, and delivered a crushing back-handed blow to Matrix’s head. He aimed a punch at Matrix’s throat, but the man turned and caught the blow on his shoulder.
He wrapped his powerful arms around Dutch’s chest, and began squeezing.
“Ah!” Dutch cried out. But then he brought his hand in, and clapped his open hands on Matrix’s ears.
“Ah!” Matrix cried out, and released his opponent, taking a step back.
Dutch grabbed the man by his leg and shoulder, and lifted him up, over his head, and then slammed him to the ground.
Matrix swung his arm out, and knocked Dutch off his feet.
On their knees, the two men grabbed each other, and began to grapple. Dutch got his right hand onto Matrix’s throat, but the man quickly elbowed him in the stomach, forcing him to release his grip.
Matrix lifted Dutch up, so that both were back on their feet. He punched Dutch in the face, and then in the stomach. When Dutch faded back, Matrix lifted his leg, and aimed a kick at the other man’s stomach.
Dutch grabbed the on-coming leg and lifted, forcing his opponent off-balance. Then, he punched Matrix’s face, sending the man sprawling back.
Matrix leaped to his feet, drawing his knife. Dutch instantly matched his opponent’s move. Both men stared into each other’s eyes, and then they charged.
The knives flew in a dance of death as the two warriors slashed and blocked, each looking for a weakness in the other’s moves.
Finally, Dutch found an opening, and slashed his knife across Matrix’s arm causing him to drop his knife.
Matrix grabbed Dutch’s knife hand in his left, and brought his right fist down on Dutch’s forearm, trying to break his hold on his own knife. The move failed.
Dutch swiveled his left leg around, knocking Matrix’s legs out from under him, and dropping both men to the jungle floor.
The two men grappled for the knife, but Dutch slowly brought the blade closer and closer to his opponent’s throat.
Dutch wrenched his arms as hard as he could and drove the knife home.
Matrix jerked and spasmed, and then his muscular arms dropped to the ground.
K.O.! []
Major Schaefer stood up with a sigh. He took a step back and looked at his fallen opponent. Then, he took a cigar out of his vest pocket, bit the end off of it, placed it in his mouth and lit it with his lighter.
He looked toward the sky, and blew a cloud of smoke up.
Suddenly, a naked man stepped out of the jungle. Dutch could not believe his eyes. The man was muscular, and in excellent shape.
He walked up to Dutch, and announced, “I need yaw clothes, yaw boots, and yaw choppa.”
Dutch couldn’t help but laugh. He looked at the man, and said, “You fogot to say ‘Pleez.’”
Then he took a drag on his cigar and blew smoke in the man’s face.
Results[]
Boomstick: That was...amazing! I mean, those two guys were so balanced that they could have been...I don’t know...second cousins or something!
Wiz: Yes, they were remarkably well balanced. A reading of their abilities puts them at almost exactly balanced...almost.
Boomstick: What do you mean “almost?”
Wiz: You see, the Predator novelization has an extra bit of information on Dutch Schaefer. When he was captured by the Viet Cong, during the Vietnam War, he was tortured so severely that he became resistant to pain. As such, blows that would have filled a normal man with pain, merely “hurt” Dutch. And that extra edge was all Dutch needed to overcome Matrix.
Boomstick: Yeah, while Dutch was hurt Matrix felt a truly stabbing pain.
Wiz: Indeed. The winner is Dutch Schaefer!
Cameo Appearances[]
Next Time[]
Next time on Death Battle! we turn two corporate mascots loose on each other, when we present Captain Citrus vs. Pepsiman!
Trivia[]
- The use of similar wording when discussing the two combatants was purposely done, so as to emphasize how very similar these two characters are.