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Homer Simpson vs Peter Griffin

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Homer vs Peter
  • Nkstjoa
  • IdemSplix
  • Shrek-it Ralph
  • TheKnucklesKid123
  • GrobuY
Season N/A (Jellybean1270) / 2 (Nkstjoa), Episode N/A (Jellybean1270) / 22 (Nkstjoa)
Vital statistics
Air date March 20, 2015 (Jellybean1270) / December 17, 2016 (Nkstjoa)
Written by Jellybean1270 & Nkstjoa
Directed by Jellybean1270 & Nkstjoa
Episode guide
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N/A (Jellybean1270) / Spinal vs. Cervantes (Nkstjoa) N/A (Jellybean1270) / X vs. Zero (Nkstjoa)

Homer vs Peter is a What-If? episode of Death Battle. 

Interlude

(cues* Invader - Jim Johnston*)

Wiz: Prime TV, home to many certain comedy dads.

Boomstick: And tonight, we are pitting these 2 famous primetime dads of all time from Fox!

Wiz: Homer Simpson , the father of the Simpson family...


Boomstick: ...and Peter Griffin , the father of the Griffin family.

Wiz: Now these two have fought each other before, only they both survived.

Boomstick: Well, in this fight, there will be a decisive end!  He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick!

Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.

Homer

Wiz: homer Simpson, the father of the Simpson's family and television idiot.

Boomstick: wait, isn't this the guy who couldn't kill a fly by punching it? How is he going to stand a chance?

Wiz: well boomstick, while it is true that homer failed to kill a fly, he has shown great physical strength.

Boomstick: like what? 

Wiz: well, he was able to lift a motorcycle over his head and use it as a sword, do a back flip with little effort, and run at speeds rivaling an Olympic gold medalist and throw a cinder block hard enough to smash through the hull of a boat.

Boomstick: wow! This guy should be a wrestler or something!

Wiz: well, he was a boxer at one point.

Boomstick: wow, this guy is really strong.

Wiz: yes, but where he really excels is his durability, being able to fall down Springfield gorge, be electrocuted six times in less than four minutes, getting his head stuck in a closing bridge and even being shot with a cannon multiple times in the stomach, all of these times only being slightly injured.

Boomstick: what the frick!?! How is this guy not dead yet?!?

Wiz: well, homer has a condition known as "homer Simpson syndrome" where his skull is a quarter of an inch thicker than the normal human. This, coupled with his immense stomach fat, gives him the ability to survive blows that would kill almost anybody!

Boomstick: okay, anybody with this much power has to have some sort of weakness.

Wiz: well, homer does have a weakness. He is INCREDIBLY stupid! See, he was fed beer as a kid-

Boomstick: woah, this has gotten dark quickly! I like it!

Wiz: anyway, he was fed beer as a kid, killing many of his brain cells. Plus he has a crayon lodged in his brain, making him even dumber. And his being constantly exposed to nuclear energy couldn't help...

Boomstick: along with all this, homer is seemingly immune to physics, being able to ride a motorcycle up a GIANT GLASS DOME for about three minutes, being completely vertical or upside down the whole time.

Wiz: riding like that, he would have lost momentum And fallen off in about five seconds.

Boomstick: either way, homer has a good chance of winning this battle.


Homer: "hey, what's wrong with you?"

Bart: "you really want to know?" Homer: "of course I do, what kind of a father wouldn't care about a PIG WEARING A HAT!"

Peter

Wiz: Peter Griffin, father of the Griffin family and professional chicken fighter.

Boomstick: not to mention rip-off of homer Simpson!

Wiz: that's not necessarily true! While homer and Peter have much in common, they do have some differences!

Boomstick: well that's true, Peter is much more adept in combat than Homer, having fought Ernie the chicken a total of four times so far.

Wiz: Peter is incredibly strong, being able to fight and defeat a genetically modified chicken many times.

Boomstick: not to mention incredibly durable, being run over by a car and even a train and hardly being phased!

Wiz: Peter also seems to have healing abilities. having his hand blown off by a firework, and being completely unscathed next scene!

Boomstick: wow, he's tough!

Wiz: but stupid. He has shown to be incredibly stupid, as he thinks that world war five could come before three or four because, and I quote, "it's so intense that it skips right over the other two".

Boomstick: wait, that could happen, right?

Wiz: no, that's impossible.

Boomstick: my life is a lie!

Wiz: umm... Anyway, Peter is so fat that he has his own gravitational pull.

Boomstick: mind. Blown.

Wiz: anyway, despite his stupidity, Peter has a good chance of winning.


Peter: "And you know what else?  I did some checking around, you're not a licensed therapist!"  (roundhouse kicks Peanuts' Lucy Van Pelt outcold) "Roadhouse."

Fight

Wiz: okay, now the combatants are set.

Boomstick: also, to make this more interesting I've set vehicles and weapons around the arena.

Wiz: what that's against the ru-

Boomstick: it's time for a death battllllllllllle!!

Bandicam 2016-07-24 12-33-01-847



Homer is driving to work when a rock goes through his windshield. He looks for the person who did it, and sees a fat guy on the side.of the road.


Homer:"why you little-" he jumps out of the car and punches the man in the face.

Peter:" oh, so you want to go? Bring it!"


                                                  FIGHT!

Peter punches homer repeatedly in the face. Homer, unphased by the punches, grabs Peter by the neck and chokes him. Peter pokes homer in the eyes, causing him to let go.

Homer: "doh!"

Homer punches Peter repeatedly, finishing with a headbutt knocking him backwards into a window. The Windows shatters and Peter grabs an shard of glass and swings it at homer. Homer dodges and swings a haymaker at Peter. Peter grabs homers fist and stabs him in the stomach with the glass shard. Homer falls to the ground, holding his stomach.

Peter: "well, that was easier than the chicken!"

Peter walks away, but is interrupted by a brick hitting him in the back of the head. Homer ran over to Peter and kicked him in the stomach, followed by a punch to the face. Homer sees a lead pipe out of the corner of his eye. He turns around to grab it, but when he turns back, Peter is gone. Then he hears a motorcycle start, he turns around to see a motorcycle, driven by Peter, barreling towards him. The motorcycle hit him, causing Peter to fly off of it, slamming into the side of a building. He grabs onto the windowsill, hanging from it. 'Well at least that guys dead' he thought to himself, until he the a motorcycle being ridden towards him. 'That idiots going to run into the wall' Peter said to himself. Homer ran into the wall, the rode the motorcycle up it! He ran into Peter, hitting him off the wall. Homer rode it to the top of the building, then landed. Peter quickly ran up the stairs on the building. When he got to the top, homer hit him with the motorcycle, sending him flying. He hit a power line breaking it. Then he thought of a plan. When homer came to attack him, Peter was nowhere to be seen. Then, homer got hit in the back of the head with a pipe, then Peter grabbed the power line by the rubber part and stuck the end in homers mouth, electrocuting him. But homer, hardly stunned by the electrocution, grabbed it and wrapped it around Peter's neck. Peter was choking. He punched, kicked and elbowed homer, but it was no use. Peter suddenly stopped struggling. It was over. Homer had won.

                                           K.O.

Results

Boomstick: WOW!! That was brutal!

Wiz: it's true. Homer wins. Despite Peter's strength advantage, homer is more durable, smarter and faster.

Boomstick: while both homer and Peter are extremely durable, even they aren't immune to being stabbed and choked.

Wiz: while Peter was resourceful, using glass shards, motorcycles and electric wires as weapons, homers pure durability was enough to best him on every attempt.

Boomstick: and just so you know, PLEASE don't erase this, nk.

Wiz the winner is homer.

Bandicam 2016-07-24 12-38-42-708

Homer: "woohoo! I am so smart! I am so smart! S m r t- s m a r t!

Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Bandicam 2016-07-24 12-33-01-847

Random ass tavern

Inside of said tavern, two icons sit far from the other at the bar. On one side is Homer Simpson, drinking a bottle of Duff beer.

Homer: Duff, the best stuff.

On the other side is Peter Griffin, drinking a bottle of Pawtucket Patroit ale.

Peter: Pawtucket, the... uh... I love it.

The two quickly down their drinks, then get up around the same time.

Homer: That's enough drinking for now...

Then he has a new opened Duff bottle in his hand.

Homer: Inside!

Peter: There's more drinking to be had...

He has an opened Pawtucket bottle in his hand.

Peter: Outside!

Despite their comments, neither seems to comment on, let alone notice, the other's similiar statements and reactions. They both head towards the exit and as they both look over at the glowing exit sign, the two bump into each other, causing them to spill their drinks on each other. They both look at their shirts, then at the bottle the other person is holding.

Homer *thoughts*: My shirt's been stained by that lousy ripoff of Duff!

Peter *thoughts*: I used to love Duff as a kid... but not when it's staining my shirt!

The two then angrily glare at each other.

Homer & Peter: That was my favorite shirt, you jerk!

Peter: Jinks!

He points at Homer.

Peter: Owe me a soda! *laughs*

Homer was in shock.

Homer *thoughts*: *gasp* Oh no! Now I owe him a soda!

But then his inner-monalogue quickly changed from worried and panicked to cool.

Homer *thoughts*: Now just calm down, Homer. I've got just the thing.

Homer: A wise guy, huh?

He pokes Peter on the shoulder.

Homer: I'll fix you good!

Peter *thoughts*: This guy poked me, so he must be serious... wait, why would I be worried? I'll show him.

Peter's shock was completely negated and he looked over at Homer's face.

Peter *thoughts*: Hmm... he could shave a bit more... and his nose is kinda funny...

He then looked further upward at his bald head.

Peter *thoughts*: There's so many insults I could go with. Gotta think of something super-clever... like an insult he's never heard before.

Peter: Oh yeah?!

Peter put his fists together.

Peter: Well bring it on...

And he proceeded to point at Homer's forehead.

Peter: Baldie!

Homer *thoughts*: How could he! No one's ever called me that before! That's it! I'm gonna really get him good now.

Homer's shock dissipated into anger.

Homer: Why you...! Oh yeah?

He then looked over at Peter's physique.

Homer *thoughts*: Geez... this guy's eaten a lot of Krusty burgers... and then some. But then again...

Homer then looked upward at Peter's head, face, and then his glasses.

Homer *thoughts: Glasses... his eyes... they're like eyes over his eyes... he has two eyes... and the glasses cover his two eyes... kind of like he has...

Homer: Oh yeah?! Well... uh... well you have glasses!

Peter *thoughts*: *huge gasp* He really just went there!

Peter: Why I'd never... OH IT IS ON.

The two glare angrily at the other, then circle around each other ready to lash out.

FIGHT!

They both throw a punch at the same time... and are also hit by one to the face. The two aren't dizzied by any means and they begin a punch fest through the tavern.

Peter forces Homer back into the bar area and uppercuts Homer over the bar's counter, knocking over a few bottles in the process. Homer emerges, Peter runs towards him, and the two clash once more, standing in place while trading blows. That is until Homer grabs an unbroken bottle and uses it to block one of Peter's punches. The bottle shatters and Peter sees glass embedded in his hand, as well as some bleeding. He grabs his hand in pain for a brief moment as Homer gut-punches him, lifts him off his feet, then drags him across the counter, knocking off bottles and other various pieces before letting him go. Peter went flying onto a pool table, then slammed into a wall, knocking off various pictures and decorations.

Homer leapt over the counter and grabbed hold of a pool stick.

Homer: En guard-eh!

Peter reached his hand, where another pool stick, as well as a few pool balls, lied nearby him. He rose, in his hand surely the best item to wield for such an occasion...

Peter: En guard...oh?

He had in his hand a singing fish decoration and was baffled by his decision to pick it up. Homer didn't care and swung his pool stick at Peter, who first ducked to avoid it. Soon afterward, Peter swung the singing fish decoration, which clashed with the pool stick as it sang. Homer decided to try something different and charged at Peter with it like a lance. Peter braced for impact...

When the pool stick appeared stuck in the singing fish's mouth. Homer tried to wrestle it out of it as Peter took advantage of this and punched Homer, knocking the stick out of his hands. Homer quickly grabbed another stick and the two had a pool stick duel. It concluded with Peter swinging it at Homer's foot, causing him to hop on one foot as Peter reeled back for a downward swing. It struck, the singing fish decoration breaking upon impact with Homer's head along with a part of the pool stick. Homer backed up into a table, dizzied from the blow, as Peter decided to charge at Homer with the broken pool stick. As Homer came to his senses, he quickly grabbed onto a chair. He narrowly avoided Peter's charge while also swinging the chair into Peter, breaking it and immediately flooring Peter.

Homer: I did that first! What, did you think it'd work for you?

Peter: Man, you did everything first!

Outside of the bar, more fighting and things breaking was audible. Soon enough, both were suddenly launched through the windows and onto the street. The two get up, then run opposite sides from each other. Peter then stops when he realizes Homer wasn't after him. He turned behind him at Homer.

Peter: Running away, yellow?

Homer stops and turns around.

Homer: What about you... green pants?

Peter: Nuh uh! Why aren't you chasing me?

Homer: Because... I'm gonna be right back with something really cool! Something you'll never see coming!

Peter: Oh yeah? Well I'll be right back with something way cooler than what you're brining out! You'll never see it coming... like way more!

Homer: We'll see about that!

Peter: Oh yes we will!

The two continue running off in their directions until they are out of sight. The streets are quiet for some time until an engine can be heard: Homer comes zooming forward with a red motorcycle.

Homer: Let's see how you like two wheels of pain!

On the other side, an engine goes off as well: Peter zooms in on a blue sports bike.

Peter: Let's see how you like two wheels... aaaaaww damn it. Beat me to it.

The two simply charge towards each other, neither slowing down, letting up, or intending to dodge. At its apex, the two stand up on their bikes, the two nearly losing their balance in the process, before leaping off of them. The two collid in midair at high speeds as the two bikes explode...

With Peter being knocked backward by Homer as they fly towards a flight of steps. Peter crashes into the first few steps, then begins flipping in midair before crashing into the next pair of steps. During all of this, Homer jumps onto Peter, running in place, then jumping upward whenever Peter hits the steps, and the process continues until they reach the end.

Peter lands on grass, looking over at a park, when Homer lands on Peter's back with all his effort and movement. Peter feels a large impact into his back and a loud crackling was very audible as Homer's feet went into Peter's back. Homer was then launched off of Peter, running in place in midair, then on the actual ground. He looked backward at Peter, who remained still on the ground, before turning and realizing too late he was headed for a tree, which he crashed into. Homer fell to the ground and got back up, looking back at the still immobile Peter.

Homer: Hah! What'd I tell you? I know I told you something.

Peter: Well what do you know?

Peter got right back up, looking entirely unphased from earlier.

Peter: I think that fixed my back. Thanks, pal.

Homer: You're welcome. I'm always happy to help out a guy in... hey, wait! We're supposed to be fighting.

Peter: Oh yeah. I almost forgot.

They charged at each other again with all vengeance and fury.


Meanwhile, in another area of the park, Bart had his slingshot in hand, placing a pebble into the sling. A short distance away, Stewie was tinkering with a disk-shaped device with a screwdriver, putting the finishing touches on it. The two notice some sort of noise in the distance, then see Homer and Peter punching one another walking past them.

Bart: That's Homer, alright.

Stewie: Typical of the fat man.

As Homer took punches from Peter, he spotted Bart, then narrowed his gaze to the slingshot in his hand.

Homer: Aha!

He blocked a punch from Peter, then ran towards Bart, grabbing the slingshot from him.

Bart: Hey!

Homer gripped the slingshot and took aim at the approaching Peter, stretching the sling with the pebble ready to fire.

Peter: You've only got one shot, so don't you waste it or you'll regret...!

Homer launched it and the pebble struck Peter on the knee. He tumbled over onto his back. Homer raised one arm upward.

Homer: Whoo hoo!

...when the elastic sling swung backward, hitting him in the eye. Homer dropped the sling, put his hands over his eye, and ran around in circles. Meanwhile, Peter continually got back up, gripping his knee and raising it before letting it forward. This went on for some time until Peter looked over at Stewie and the gray thing he had in his hands.

Peter: Eurika!

He ran over to Stewie and grabbed onto his device.

Peter: Daddy's gotta borrow your frisbee.

Stewie: Let go of it, you imbecile!

Homer was still tending to his eye, which appeared fine after all.

Homer: There, there, eye. It's all better now.

Suddenly, he was struck in the side of the head by a grey disk. He turned and saw Peter in the distance, who had thrown it at him. The two charged with all haste towards it.

Peter: Imma throw it again!

Homer: Not if I throw it again... at you!

They continue, not even noticing the flashing lights coming from the device. They both grab onto it and only then do they see it flickering with electricity and slowly lifting them into the air. Despite this, they still continue to wrestle each other over it as the device turns a bright white and they too as well. Then...

...the two completely disappear from sight in a flash, Bart and Stewie looking over at what had transpired.

Bart: So wait, what was that thing and where did they go?

Stewie: That was my new time travel device, so theoretically, they could be anywhere in time... or even before time.

After that explanation, Bart turned and began to walk away.

Stewie: Oh hey, so Bart, does that mean...?

Bart: I still don't wanna be your friend, Stewie.

Stewie looked down at the ground saddened.


Homer and Peter suddenly emerge... floating in blackness. A void of nothing. The two look over in confusion of their current whereabouts, as well as the two being currently unaffected by the lack of oxygen.

Peter: So wait, how are we even alive right now without air?

Homer: Eh, lazy writing.

The two try to move toward each other, but do so slowly and with difficulty due to their floaty state. The two engage in the closest to combat they can manage by slapping at each other's hands.

Homer: Gotcha!

Homer's legs wrap around Peter's, allowing him to punch at Peter, who attempts to get Homer off of him. Just then...

...a fart.

Homer: Hey, was that you?

Peter: Don't look at me.

Suddenly, they see a white glare in the far distance. In seconds, it quickly approaches them.

Peter: Get us out of here!

Homer tries swimming forward towards the teleporter disk.

Homer: I'm trying! I'm trying!

He tries reaching for the device to no avail, so Peter pushes Homer downward, flipping them upside down and allowing him to poke it with one finger. That was sufficient, as the device glowed once more as the white light threatened to engulf them. The two closed their eyes, then vanished. Soon after, stars and planets emerged: the universe was born.


The two see themselves falling from the sky towards a row of trees. The two hold onto each other, partially for dear life, but also to allow them to punch each other as they fell to their possible deaths. They crashed through branches and vines, eventually crash-landing on something.

Homer: Ow, what's poking me?

Homer and Peter looked and saw that Homer's back was on a scaled surface with points... along with a huge head with narrow eyes and razor-sharp teeth looking at them. They were on a dinosaur.

Homer and Peter screamed simultaneously as the dinosaur attempted to bite them. They ran down the back of the dinosaur, turning to punch one another as they reached the tail. They slid across, standing in place while fighting, until the tail swerved, launching them further away.

They both saw themselves heading through a row of trees toward a large rock formation. They then reached out to grab onto something and sure enough, Homer grabbed a pair of vines. Homer held onto his, but moved to the side by accident, causing him to swerve into the tree and be tied up by his vine. Peter reached out in vain for the most part, but eventually did grab onto a vine...

...before crashing right into the rock formation, causing bits to chip off of it. Soon enough, Peter fell, leaving a Peter-shaped dent in the rock, and fell to the ground. Homer had broken free of the vine and found a large wooden caveman club nearby the rock formation as he looked over at Peter. He decided to slam to the club into Peter's head, just to be sure that his opponent was down for sure...

As Peter opened his eyes and saw the oncoming club. He rolled out of the way, then ran away from Homer until he could find something to fend off the club with. He found a dinosaur bone and clashed with Homer's club.

Peter: I've got a real bone to pick with you!

Homer clashed back as well.

Homer: Well I am quite the clubber.

They continued to clash as Peter began to overpower Homer, forcing him back-first into a tree.

Peter: Just as I thought... you're bare bones.

This infuriates Homer, who roars as he knocks Peter back, then charges at him with the caveman club. Even as Peter swings his bone, he's quickly overpowered and loses his footing, falling to the dirt below. Homer slams his club into Peter's bone, cracking it. Another swing breaks the bone in two. A third and final swing commences...

Peter: Wait! Look over there! It's Darth Vader!

Homer: I'm not falling for that o... ooooo.

Homer stood and Peter lied in awe at Darth Vader, who was in midair, then landed to the ground. Soon afterward, the top half of a t-rex's head crashed to the ground in front of them. Homer throws away the club and runs around the t-rex's head to get a better look as Peter gets up and does the same. The two had a better look at the dark lord of the Sith, but suddenly, an armored man in a green cape came flying into Vader, sending the two crashing through the forest as trees began to fall.

Homer: Yeah... I'm staying out of that one.

During this, Peter went and grabbed the time travel disk.

Peter: Good call, buddy. Good call.

The two hold hands and touch it, then disappear from this era...


...and where they end up emerging, they're freezing. The two wrap their arms around themselves and crouch down, unable to stand.

Peter: Oh God, this is so cold!

Homer: Where are we? Colorado?

The two don't even notice a nearby frozen mammoth as they ponder this.

Homer: I need a few minutes to warm up and then we'll fight. Deal?

Peter: Yeah, that sounds good.


Some time passes and the two have clearly begun to freeze, thin layers of ice covering their entire bodies. The two don't even appear to shiver, stuck in place.

Homer: Urge to kill rising...


An undiscernable amount of time passes at the two are frozen completely in a block of ice. The block of ice is in a high-tech room going down a converyor belt. The belt stops, the block of ice in place as two short men in lab coats look over at them.

Scientist: Ah, so these're the folks who've been frozen for millenia.

Colleague: Maybe even a million years, give or take.

The scientist operates a control panel and a laser begins heating the ice. Swiftly, it melts away, and Homer and Peter's bodies fall along with the time travel disk.

Scientist: There's much these two could teach us about our past.

Colleague: Actually, that round device is most fascinating. Did our ancestors have this technology?

Homer and Peter grumble, slowly awakening.

Colleague: They're getting up. Should we sedate them?

Scientist: Nonsense. We shan't cage them like animals.

Homer and Peter slowly get back up. The scientist turns toward them.

Scientist: Welcome to Ireland, me brethren!

Peter throws a punch at Homer, knocking him off of the conveyor belt. Homer gets back up and sees random beakers all about. He takes hold of them and starts throwing them at Peter. The various chemicals hit the wall, causing untold havoc to the technology around them.

Scientist: Stop! What are ye doin'?! Are ye mad?!

The colleague grabs onto the scientist.

Colleague: These savages'll be the death of us! We've got to go!

The two exit as Peter leaps down to catch Homer off-guard, who instead positions himself to jump upward and headbutt Peter in the stomach. Peter stumbles backward as Homer charges, pushing the two through a window. The two grab hold and punch as they see themselves falling downward towards a seemingly futuristic city streets below. They hit a flying car, separating the two as they grab onto another flying car separately. Homer looks over at the teleporter disk, which was on a flying car nearly him.

Homer: That's it! This premise has run its course! I'm going home without you!

Peter overhears Homer's statement.

Peter: Oh no you don't!

The two leap from car to car, vying to reach the teleporter disk first before their opponent. The two leap with all their might, their hands stretched out. Peter feels the disk clearly in his hand.

Peter: Ha, ha! See you later, sucker!

He then sees Homer had gripped the device as well.

Peter: Oh. Well f...

The two disappear, leaving behind the damages to the Ireland of the past.


The two land on the grass, seeing a medieval castle before them, which was under siege.

Homer: This is getting so old.

Peter: Well so are you!

Peter delivered a hay-maker right into the top of Homer's head. Aside form causing Homer to stumble, this caused some minor cracks to his thick skull, but inside through the skull, it struck the crayon lodged in Homer's brain. The impact knocked it out of the brain, the crayon no longer penetrating it.

Peter: You're finished!

Homer suddenly looked at his situation in a new light and thought of ideas he never imagined before.

Homer *thoughts*: First: block his right-handed punch with my left.

He did so swiftly, catching Peter off-guard.

Homer *thoughts*: Second, expose his vulnerable sight centers.

In Peter's awe, this left Homer free to gently lift his glasses upward, exposing his eyes.

Homer *thoughts*: Third, dash out his visibility.

He poked Peter's eyes, causing him to step backward in pain.

Homer *thoughts*: Fourth: insult Four-Eye's manhood to encourage him to act out poorly.

Whatever Homer told Peter set him off, causing Peter to charge toward him. Despite his blindness, he swung furiously with his fists.

Homer *thoughts*: Now he can do little but lash out in vain due to his lack of vision. Fifth: strike unguarded legs with my own.

He ducked and swerved with his leg stretched out, sending Peter off of his feet.

Homer *thoughts*: He is perfectly exposed. Sixth: immobilize him utilizing my own weight.

Homer sat down on Peter, who was about to throw a punch.

Homer *thoughts*: Seventh: grab hold of his throat before he is capable of counter-attacking.

Peter's punch was interrupted as he felt something tight gripped around his neck: Homer's hands.

Homer *thoughts: Eighth: place increased pressure upon it until his life functions cease.

He went through with it, choking Peter as his hands could not seem to break Homer's grip on him. He let go and reached around him for anything he could use. Nothing but dirt...

...and a rock. Peter grabbed hold of it and took aim at Homer's head as he realized what Peter was about to do.

Homer *thoughts*: I hadn't taken that into consideration. New plan. First: let go of throat and...

As he pondered this to himself, Peter swung the right right into Homer's face, striking him directly in the nose. Homer fell backward, his nose pushed into his head. Inside the skull, the nose pushed the crayon back into the brain. When Homer hit the ground, his nose popped back out and he had lost all his insight and sudden knowledge.

Homer: Ooooh!

Peter: Just for that...

Homer saw Peter with a mace in hand.

Peter: I'll mace you good.

Homer: Hey, that's my line! *screams*

He barely moved out of the way in time to avoid the swing as Peter was in hot pursuit. Homer saw a sword rack nearby as Peter thought he had Homer cornered. Homer reached for anything as Peter swung the mace into Homer's shoulder. Homer shouted out in pain, his shoulder clearly dislocated from the blow. Just then, his other hand emerged with a sword.

Peter looked over and saw his hand flying out before him with the mace in hand. As the arm bled, Peter screamed and ran away as Homer now pursued him. They ran a circle around the entire castle, Peter frantically looking back at Homer.

Homer: I'll cut you from the line-up!

Peter then looked then at his hand and closed his eyes, focusing. Just as they completed their lap, Homer lost sight of Peter and looked around for him. He turned...

Homer: Found you!

???: Myeh?!

Homer swung the sword and Peter's head flew through the air, blood spewing from it until it struck the ground. Homer stood above his fallen TV rival, reveling in glory as he raised his sword into the air.

Homer: Whoo hoo!



But something punched him from behind, knocking Homer to the ground. He looked up and saw Peter... but how? He had clearly decapitated him. Homer looked over at the man he thought was Peter, then back at Peter himself. He then realized the other man had on a green shirt and white pants: it was Retep

Peter: I'm not through with you yet!

Homer then looked over at Peter's arms and saw that he had both hands.

Homer: Your fake hand doesn't scare me.

He swings his sword at Peter, who grabs hold of the sword with the very hand he had cut off earlier, then kicks Homer in the groin, causing him to let go of the sword. Peter holds the sword with both hands and slashes at Homer, leaving a clear cut in his white shirt and a red wound on his chest, as Homer falls onto his knees.

Peter: Any last words?

Homer: Noooooooooo!

Peter: Well... you did just say a word, so really, you...

As Peter contemplated, Homer charged at Peter and tackled him, sending the sword far from them and causing the two to roll down a hill.


Meanwhile, during the castle siege, a group of knights were pushing a battering ram on wheels up the hill.

Knight: *groans* Why did our adversary have to put their castle upon such a high hilltop? But at least we are nearly to the top. Soon enough, our enemy will wish they had not...

They saw Homer and Peter rolling down the hill while fighting each other.

Knight: Forsooth?

As they neared it, Peter was flung off of Homer, sending him rolling around the battering ram and the knights before stopping himself. He got back up and saw Homer getting up as well, charging towards the battering ram. Peter pushed a few knights to the side as he grabbed hold of the battering ram's backside.

Knight: Art thou mad?!

Peter: Yeah, I'm pretty pissed right now.

He tugged it backward with all his might, then pushed it forward.

Knight: Thou fool!

Homer saw this and swerved out of the way. He then shoulder-charged into it afterward, sending it back at Peter.

Peter: Aww crap!

It struck him right in the face, sending him flying downward. Just then, the battering ram's wheels began to move backward and the knights realized they could not control it.

Knight: You heathens have doomed us!

Homer quickly jumped onto it and grabbed on as the battering ram began to go downhill. As the other knights ran away, one stood, shaking his fist.

Knight: Curse, thee...!

He was then ran over by the battering ram, flattened on the ground like a cartoon squash effect. Peter slowly got back up and saw the battering ram nearing him. He simply squatted, then leapt high into the air on the front of the log. Just as he did this, Homer punched him in the face, causing him to nearly lose his footing. Homer then headbutt Peter, who then fell downward, grabbing hold of the front of the log. Homer raised his foot and stomped on Peter's head, then again, and again. Sure enough, Peter still held on, even as a trail of blood dripped from his hair down his face. Homer saw the hill was concluding and the battering ram was headed for a castle.

Homer: It'll take just one last... STEP!!!

Peter leg go of the log and grabbed hold of Homer's leg, Homer barely managing to stand up on one. He tried to kick Peter's face, but couldn't manage it...

...until his final kick struck true. Peter let go, but not before grabbing Homer's leg once again, causing Homer to finally lose his footing. Homer fell, grabbing hold of the log as Peter hit the ground, looking over at the battering ram's wheel nearing his face. He let out a scream, then his glasses shattered and the ensuing impact afterward caused a bounce that Homer could definitely feel. He looked forward at the bloodied mess that was Peter's body as he looked back and saw the impending castle's gate. He couldn't let go in time.

Homer's back felt the full impact as the battering ram forced him through the gate, then towards the castle's wooden door. He felt the full impact of that too as knights and others ran to the side from the approaching out-of-control battering ram. Homer was slammed through wooden door after wooden door, his fingers practically embedded into the log at this point.

A king adorned in orange and gold stood atop his throne. He was puzzled by the the crushing sounds he heard, which were coming closer.

King: Mmmmmh?

His door burst open and the battering ram with Homer in front of it came charging towards him.

King: Ooooah!

He leapt out of his throne and ran away as Homer was forced through the throne and then into a stone wall. The battering ram had stopped and Homer found he was unable to move. He felt faint, his vision blurring. He looked down at his stomach...

...only to see the log had pierced through him, a trail of blood dripping down onto the throne. He could barely keep awake.

Homer: Well... at least I got that guy with the glasses...

He heard something shatter towards the entrance and saw...

Peter, having knocked down a vase. His shirt and face had a large mark from the battering ram's wheels, his face, arms, and chest were bloodied, and one of his eyes was blood red. He growled.

Peter: Bet you can't stomach this!

He charged at the battering ram.

Homer: Oh come on...!

Peter leapt upward with both feet outstretched. He kicked the log with all his might, the momentum causing the log to further pierce through Homer... and straight through him. Homer groaned, but then finally closed his eyes and fell face-first onto the log. Just as this happened, what was left of Homer's stomach finally gave out, his lower body falling to the floor... as well as the time travel disk. Peter walked over and picked it up, then looked over at Homer's face.

Peter: Well... see ya around.

He walked out of the throne room.

K.O.

Homer walks out of the castle and presses the teleporter device, disappearing from the medieval era. Homer's face lies motionless and dead when Homer suddenly opens his eyes and appears angry.

Results

Boomstick: Know the best thing about cartoon characters? They always come back.

Wiz: At first glance, both appeared quite similar in general.

Boomstick: And really, with how absurdly stupid both of these TV fathers are, neither had any chance of outsmarting the other.

Wiz: This match-up came down to two factors primarily: combat experience and durability. While Homer has had a longer run on television, Peter had had far more lengthy and intense battles... and with far more frequency.

Boomstick: And for those of you that say "Both these guy are weaklings," you're right... when their show's want them to be. Homer and Peter have been shown to get exhausted easily, get injured with just the smallest impact, and have been beaten up by others... but at their best, they're both capable of some crazy things, like being viciously hurt in one scene, then being completely fine in the next like nothing happened.

Wiz: And now onto durability. Homer does have a thicker skull than the average human, which could take loads of punches from boxers, and his stomach could withstand repeated cannonballs fired at point-blank... but both had a limit that would have meant the end for Homer if prolonged, causing interventions by his friends and family to save his life.

Boomstick: As for Peter, not only does he survive all of his chicken fights and other life-threatening injuries... but all of it really doesn't matter in the first place.

Wiz: Both of their respected shows are cartoons... however, The Simpson's world still attempts to replicate the real world and Homer isn't an exception. Whereas Peter is whole-heartedly cartoon in nature, regardless of some of the minor realism in the Family Guy world.

Boomstick: Once, Homer had his thumb cut off and spent the entire episode trying to keep it from decaying before finally getting it reattached. Even if you exclude flashbacks, Peter had a similar case when he had his entire hand severed by an overpass while having his arm out the car window. But then he simply regrew his whole hand while his severed hand grew an entire body. This was just something that happened from Point A to Point B.

Wiz: So in the end, Peter simply had the more extreme fighting and survival experience and regardless of whether this battle was in the Simpsons world, the Family Guy world, or anywhere else, Peter being more cartoon-like in nature made Homer's job of killing him virtually unattainable. And while Homer was not by any means easy to put down, his durability had a definite limit that Peter would eventually dish out.

Boomstick: Guess Peter does what Homer Doh'nt!

Wiz: The winner is Peter Griffin.

Next time...

The best of friends... become the worst of enemies.

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Trivia

Who would you be rooting for?
 
130
 
31
 

The poll was created at 05:57 on August 18, 2014, and so far 161 people voted.

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