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Jack Sparrow vs Edward Kenway
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Season 4 (Maxevil)/1 (LionKeybladeWielder), Episode 19 (Maxevil)/3 (LionKeyBladeWielder)
Vital statistics
Air date December 23, 2015
Written by LionKeybladeWielder and Maxevil
Directed by LionKeybladeWielder and Maxevil
Episode guide
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Super Mario Bros 2 Battle Royale (LionKeybladeWielder) or Morrigan Aensland vs Autistic Prince (Maxevil) Ho-Oh vs Birdramon (LionKeybladeWielder) or Yang Xiao Long vs Amy Rose (Maxevil)

Jack Sparrow vs Edward Kenway is a what-if episode of Death Battle.

Description

Pirates of the Carribbean vs Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag! Which swashbuckling scurvy pirate will walk away undefeated?

Interlude

(Cues Invader)

Wiz:They are the thieves that loot every chest in the ocean,the hunters of great fortune aaaand...

Boomstick:Hopefully the ones who catch Wiz stealing their treasure one day.

Wiz:Hey!

Boomstick: Jack Sparrow, the coolest pirate of the Caribbean...

Wiz: ...and Edward Kenway, Member of the Assassin Order.

Boomstick:He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick.

Wiz:And it's our job to analyse their weapon,armor and skills to find out who would win...a Death Battle.

Jack Sparrow

(Cues Port Royal theme:Kingdom Hearts 2)

Wiz:Captain Jack Sparrow is the dangerous,cunning and crafty pirate captain of the pirate ship,the Black Pearl.

Boomstick:Sailing around the ocean with awesome hair and a great beard,this is one retard who will shred you in a sword duel.

Wiz:He went mad after his crew member Barbossa abandoned him on an island,leaving him to die with a pistol that only had one bullet,and hijacked his ship.

Boomstick:But,like a badass,he made it back and somehow STILL had the bullet to kill Barbossa with it.

Wiz:Buuut,when he tried to steal a ship to reclaim the Black Pearl,he was arrested.Thankfully,a man named Will Turner freed him to get him to help him get back his girlfriend Elizabeth,who Barbossa had kidnapped on the Black Pearl.

Boomstick:Jack is loaded with guns,bombs,knives and swords.And he wields every single one of me like a badass!

Wiz:We're mainly focusing on Kingdom Hearts Jack,so let's quickly go over his abilities in the movie.

Boomstick:He can make nearly impossible manuoevers,attack with retarded speed and shoot like a man!

(Cues He's a Pirate)

Wiz:Jack has a few main abilities from KH2,which we'll cover quickly.

Boomstick:Shall I?

Wiz:Fire away,swabbie.

Boomstick:Aye,Captain.Bone Smash involves him blastin' off bombs in a barrage.No Mercy involves an unavoidable sword combo at near light speed,and Rain Storm involves knives rainin' at ya!

Wiz:His KH feats involve going toe-to-toe with the Heartless, dark creatures formed when someone's heart is stolen.

Boomstick:The Heartless are really powerful,and can wield Black Magic,damn Jack,you can kill wizards? Ah, well.

(Cues The Encounter-Kingdom Hearts 2)

Wiz: Despite many popular belief, Jack Sparrow is a terrible sword fighter, usually losing his sword to one opponent in a sword fight whether they knock it off of his hand, or at one time, Davy Jones used his big crab claw to break most of the blade off.

Boomstick: But because Jack Sparrow loses his sword, does this mean he lost the fight? Hell no, he is so unpredictable at times that he will always fight with various tricks up his sleeves.

Wiz: And of course he has accomplished certain such as getting the Black Pearl back from Barbossa time and time again...

Boomstick: ...survived being dragged down to Davy Jones' Locker from being pulled by the Kraken, a giant monstrous cephalpod with big ass tentacles that one can shake a stick at.

Wiz: ...and even once with certain company, mostly led by Blackbeard, discovered the lost fountain of youth, but only after going through a swarm of lustful murderous mermaids.

Boomstick: Oh, and to think that Ariel was so innocent even, oh well, despite the sexy hybrid fish women, Jack will always be out looking for the next adventure for it's a pirate's life for him.

Jack Sparrow: (after killing his imaginary clone and picking up a peanut) My peanut. (eats the peanut)

Edward Kenway

(Cues Assassin's Creed Black Flag Theme)

Wiz:Born to a British couple in Wales,Edward Kenway craved fame and riches from a very early age.

Boomstick:So,at an early age,he decided to join the Royal Navy and,after the war,for being even richer and just to be a badass,Kenway became a pirate.

Wiz:He joined the Assassin Order in their battle against the Templars,and began captaining his own ship,the Jackdaw.

Boomstick:Edward possesses Eagle Vision,an extrasensory ability that lets him spot things invisible to the naked...hehehe...naked.

Wiz:Shut up!Eagle Vision lets him spot things invisible to the naked eye.

'Boomstick:Kenway can also throw knives for a stealth kill,like no other man.

Wiz:He carries dual cutlasses,four flintlock pistols,knives,smoke bombs,rope darts and a musket.

Boomstick:Damn,is anything NOT in his arsenal?I mean,he can wield a bow and arrow and even a crossbow!The fuck?

Wiz:Believe it or not,there's even more.The Hidden Blades in his palm have led him to become a master of Assassination.He can perform kills in stealth or crowds,and even do an Air Assassination from above the target.But,yeah,when you mention it,Kenway does have some disadvantages.He is usually more of a stealth killer,and in close range combat,that gives him trouble as he often attacks any target near him.Besides,he died fighting mercenaries.

Boomstick:Ah well,but at least we're talking a man who has fucking survived in water with a shark while fighting it,obtained the Piece of Eden which deflects projectile-based metal,and even sunk down legions of ships in battle.

(Kenway harpoons a blue whale)

Pre-Death Battle

Wiz:All right,the combatants are set,let's end this debate once and for all.

Boomstick:It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!

Death Battle

Edward Kenway was in a tavern,drinking.He was in celebration of his latest loot when he spotted a poster.

WANTED

Jack Sparrow

Bounty:$50,000

Kenway:That's a load of loot.

Kenway exits and heads for his ship.

Kenway:Ok,new mission.We gotta catch this pirate and kill him for some treasure.

Pirates:Aye,Captain.

They sail over to the Caribbean,and Sparrow's ship fires a cannon at them from a distance.

Jack:Ah,another bounty hunter,eh?Give me a break,we just finished bribing the last one with extra bounty to leave us be.

(Flashback of Sparrow's gang bribing Samus.)

Kenway's and Sparrow's ship continue fire while Sparrow boards Kenway's ship.

Sparrow:Ah,nice place you got,Captain.

Kenway appears.

Jack Sparrow:Ey' mate.

Kenway:Noone's hijacking my ship.

FIGHT!

Kenway tackles Jack,and they fall off the ship on an island.

Jack:Ah,how...uncharted.

Kenway throws a knife at him,but Jack dodges.He runs off.

Kenway:Dammit!That man can run!

He chases after Jack.Jack runs off and hides behind a tiki.Kenway is unable to find him and climbs up a tree and uses Eagle Vision.He finds Jack behind the tiki and runs at him.Jack figures out Kenway's plan of attack and enters the tiki temple.He lights a torch only to find the temple full of monkeys.

Jack:Oh,hi there,mate.

Jack runs out of the cave and the monkeys run after him.Kenway is ravaged by a group of them,but stabs all of them then runs after Jack.Finally spotting his face behind a tree,Kenway stabs it,revealing it to be a bomb.

Jack:Nice-OOF!

Kenway recovered and stabbed him in the leg.Jack retaliates and swings his sword,and they begin dueling.Jack stabs Kenway twice,but Kenway then pulls his sword away and shoots him in the leg.Before Kenway can kill him,Jack tugs at the Hidden Blade and stabs him in the chest with it.

Jack:Don't hit yourself.

He then pulls out a banana from his pocket and squeezes it in Kenway's face,blinding him.Kenway tries to swing his sword randomly,but Jack dodges it and shoots him repeatedly...with a pistol without bullets.

Jack:I'll be back Kenway.

He runs off while Kenway gets rid of the banana.

Kenway:Get back,you scum.

Jack:Sorry,but I gotta get this biscuit to Polly.

Kenway:Dammit!

Jack runs away from his sight and finally relaxes under a tree,and begins working on a decoy.Kenway finds him with Eagle Vision,and runs after him.

Jack:Aw,mate that was fun.

He runs off,and when Kenway reaches where he was,Jack throws a Rainstorm at him.But thanks to the Piece of Eden,Kenway is protected.

Kenway:There you are.

He shoots an arrow at Jack.Jack swerves and dodges it,then throws a bomb at Kenway and runs off.

Kenway:You little-

The bomb goes off.Kenway's armor is burnt off.

Jack:Damn.

He leaves his fake Jack near the beach and watches his ship shooting at Edward's.But then he hears footsteps,and scales a tree.Edward scales a tree across him,and spots him.He aims his crossbow and fires,but Jack barely dodges it,and the shot gets him in the ear.

Jack:Hey,mate,can I borrow an earmuff?

The confused chipmunk runs off.Kenway aims a rope dart,but Jack pulls out an extra pistol and shoots him.Jack then throws a bomb at the ground,and everything goes up in smoke.

After the fog fades,Kenway raises his gun and shoots at Jack,who was standing near the shore.

Jack screams in pain,and Edward Air Assassinates...Jack's dummy.Bone Smash bombs go off,and the real Jack appears and attacks an airborne Kenway with No Mercy,slicing off his lower torso.

KO!

Jack walks away holding Kenway's lower torso and bribes Kenway's gang to merge with his,and they destroy the Jackdaw.

Jack:A pirate's life for me.

Results

Boomstick: Now that is how pirates were like.

Wiz: While Kenway surpassed Jack in the weapons category, it was enough to put him away due to his peak human speed and the fact that he is unpredictable.

Boomstick: It was also a shame that the Eagle Vision was not much help to him either.And to add to that,none of Kenway's feats are as impressive as Jack's and Kingdom Hearts gave him a further boost in ability.

Wiz: Also, keep in mind that Jack has fought certain undead pirates and heartless who are somewhat similar to Kenway, so he has experience in that.

Boomstick: And our favorite pirate of the Caribbean escapes again, yet this time with stolen booty!

Wiz: The Winner is Captain Jack Sparrow.

Next Time

LionKeybladeWielder

(Cue Ho-Oh's cry)

Biyomon:Biyomon digivolve to...BIRDRAMON!

Maxevil

Boomstick: Aw, come on, are we bringing this bitch back?!

Wiz: Yes, yes we are, Boomstick.

Boomstick: Hmph, fine. But we will pit her to someone who is also cheerful and hot, despite being the murderer of my possible next wife.

Trivia

  • This is LionKeybladeWielder's Season 1 episode 3, as well as it is Maxevil's Season 4 episode 19.