James Bond vs. Jason Bourne is a What-If? episode of Death Battle. It features the original iteration of James Bond (1953-2004) versus Jason Bourne (1980-present).
MI6 VS Treadstone! Two peerless secret agents are in a deadly battle of wits! Can the original James Bond stand up to the modern agent Jason Bourne?
Wiz: Secret agents... wielding an assortment of weapons and gadgets or a particular set of skills, few human combatants are as capable as these select few.
Boomstick: Like James Bond, Agent 007.
Wiz: And Jason Bourne, Treadstone's former secret weapon. As Bond has gone through a recent reimagining...
Boomstick: Complete with blonde hair and sheer brutality!...
Wiz: We'll be examining the most well-known and classic iterations of James Bond.
Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick...
Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle.
Wiz: James Bond is the most famous secret agent in fictional history.
Boomstick: Ooooh man, I'm so excited! James Bond is one of the most badass and hardcore characters ever.
Wiz: But before he was the world-saving spy with a license to kill, he hailed from a pretty tragic past.
Boomstick: He was born in Scotland to a pair of loving parents in their family lodge in Skyfall. His father was an arms dealer, and because his job took him all over the world James spent a lot of his time in a ton of countries. He learned a lot of languages, and also a number of incredible talents over the years, but we'll get to that later. However, naturally, his childhood took a turn for the worst.
Wiz: His parents were killed in a climbing accident in the alps, leaving James all alone in the big, bad world. He was educated soon enough at Eton, but was soon expelled for curfew violations and...trouble.
Boomstick: Yeah! He hated bullies, and stood up for his friends a lot by knocking the crap out of the brutes and the brats who crossed his path.
Wiz: However, James grew up to join the Royal Navy and served with distinction, until he was hired by the British Secret Service of MI6.
Boomstick: And, since then, Bond has led one of the most awesome lives of all time. He has spent the bulk of his life travelling the world, pulling triggers, shooting through cities with his Aston Martin, and kissing a different girl every hour. Mmmm, a man after my own heart!
Wiz: Bond immediately became one of the most effective spies in British history, but, being a secret agent in a British franchise, his life still wasn't perfect. He has spent his entire career battling the most evil and powerful criminal organisations of all time. SPECTRE!
James Bond: Spectre?
Dr. No: SPECTRE. SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion. The four great cornerstones of power, headed by the finest brains in the world.
Boomstick: Particularly, SPECTRE's megalomaniac leader, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, who has appeared in a ton of the Bond films to bite the 00 Agent on the ass.
Wiz: SPECTRE have affected Bond's entire career and put Bond through a huge amount of things. Thanks to them, Bond's life has never been flawless: He's been betrayed by his loved ones, shot, poisoned, drugged, stabbed, whipped, dropped off buildings, beaten to a pulp and nearly eaten by croccodiles, and survived.
Boomstick: Wait, WHAT?! This guy survived a croccodile attack? I need to ask him how he did that! He could have saved me the loss of my beautiful, precious ear.
Wiz: Shut up, Boomstick. James has probably survived this long thanks to his enormous array of abilities which he has acquired throughout the years: he is an expert in all martial arts, is an insanely talented marksman, an excellent gambler, has mastered stealth and disguise techniques, and also is a master of a myriad of extreme sports.
Boomstick: This guy has taken part in a bazillion chases in which he is using incredible types of vehicles: he has parachuted off the alps, and is adept at skiing, snowboarding, skating, cycling, aviation, marine warfare, canoeing, and driving jet-skiis. But, most importantly, Bond utilizes an incredibly sophisticated and badass series of cars. He literally has just about every kind of gadget on hand to get him out of trouble.
Wiz: Bond has been given an incalculable number of gadgets throughout his films - ranging from exploding pens, fake skin, cigarette guns, grenade watches, and a whole load more. But his most famous gadget is the cars that he is provided with, and they also have a variety of gadgets built in. When gadgets are out of the question, though, he favors his trademark Walther PPK 9mm pistol, which he carries in every single film and book.
Boomstick: This guy is so freaking determined, he will smash his body through a thick wall, jump off a cliff, dodge bullets, plough through one chick after another, before killing his enemy and delivering one of the coolest catchphrases of all time:
James Bond: (Standing over Mr. White with a rifle in one hand) The name's Bond. James Bond.
Wiz: Nevertheless, James is hardly perfect. He has been shot in the heart, so his peak physical condition has been compromised. Also, he has an unfortunate habit for drinking, having sex with complete strangers, taking drugs, gambling and breaking the highway code on a daily basis.
Boomstick: Still, this guy is not your average cowardly weakling bitch: he has been shot in the heart whilst standing on top of a train, fallen off the train, into a river hundreds of feet beneath him, gone down a waterfall and into a series of rapids....and he was up and banging the first chick he sees in a matter of minutes. Bond is literally the most determined and driven characters in movie history. That's kind of what he's all about.
Wiz: Exactly! Bond obviously survives every film he appears in, and every situation that comes his way, but it's not about whether or not he survives: It's about what he is willing to lose, or willing to protect along the way, and whether or not he will dust himself off and carry on living in the end. It is this cast-iron determination that has enabled him to do what he does.
Boomstick: He's managed to tango with and defeat some pretty impressive agents and foes, and has saved the world an unprecendented amount of times.
Wiz: However, James Bond hasn't had the best luck when utilizing stealth, often getting captured when infiltrating an enemy base. And just by his dumb luck, Bond' enemies are so stupid that they often let him live long enough to escape instead of killing him when they have the chance.
Boomstick: But even with all that, James Bond is a legend.
Trevelyan: For England, James?
Bond: No... for me.
Wiz: Out in the middle of the Mediterranean Ocean, fishermen came across and rescued an unconscious man left adrift. To the ship's captain's surprise, he discovered not only two gunshot wounds on the man, but also a laser projector implanted in his hip, which displayed a safe deposit box's number. But then the man woke up, having absolutely no recollection of his past.
Boomstick: Let's mark off another cliché while we're here: amnesia.
Wiz: But the man soon found that he was not only multilingual and possessed various unusual skills, but he was also a master at hand-to-hand combat.
Boomstick: That's oddly specific amnesia. Can't remember who you are or even where you live, but at least you can speak all sorts of languages and kick all kinds of ass.
Wiz: Upon reaching the bank where the safe deposit box was located, he found that it was filled with money, a handgun, and multiple passports... one of which was Jason Bourne.
Boomstick: But then he was forced to flee from police and face off with agents while trying to discover who he really was.
Wiz: As it turned out, Bourne used to be an assassin working for a black ops CIA program called Treadstone. To ensure their agents would perform all their tasks to the best of their ability and without any clear doubt or regret, the program utilized behavior modification techniques on all of its agents. In fact, Bourne was the very first to undergo them.
Boomstick: He used to be a hardened killer, performing each task he was given without ever having any qualms... until his last target had kids with him. So then he had a change of heart and tried to flee, but then a few gunshots later and... amnesia somehow.
Boomstick: Up close, Bourne is highly adept at martial arts. He can take out mall cops swiftly and face off with agents of his caliber. He's even fended off weapon-wielding opponents with regular household objects, such as books, newspapers, towels, and pens. Yep, the pen is mightier than the sword when Bourne's using it.
Wiz: Close quarters aside, Bourne possesses an incredible tactical mind. He can use lateral thinking to come up with plans in a matter of seconds, survey his environment to plan out his next move or to deduce enemies, even within heavily crowded areas, use tactical improvisations to attack or to fake his location, and can fall off the grid when needed.
Boomstick: Aside from being smart, this bastard is as tough as shit!
Wiz: Bourne possesses a preternatural amount of strength and physical durability.
Boomstick: He has survived bullet wounds, nearly drowning in the open ocean, being strangled to near-death, explosions, and struggling out of a car that had fallen into a really deep river whilst under heavy fire. This guy is so badass, he even survived jumping off the very top of a twenty-storey staircase, with the body of a defeated enemy used as a cushion, whilst being shot at from all sides, and crashing face-first on stone ground - and he was up and gunning down bad guys in a matter of minutes!
Wiz: Needless to say Bourne is relentless, determined, calculating and incredibly practical. He specializes in killing in close-quarters and survived an unprecedentedly huge amount of pressing situations.
Boomstick: And despite his smaller beginnings of trying to recover his past, Bourne's actually saved the world once or twice himself.
Jason Bourne: Look at us. Look at what they make you give.
Outside of a casino, a silver Aston Martin parks and out comes James Bond, wearing his iconic suit. He enters the casino, which is packed with people, and heads towards the bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a vodka martini - shaken, not stirred. Two blocks away, Jason Bourne sits on a rooftop with a pistol in both hands. He spies Bond throuhg a window and his eyes narrow. He loads his pistol and walks down to the street, approaching the casino. Back in the casino, Bond's earpiece buzzes and Q, sitting in a laboratory back in MI6, talks to him through the earpiece.
Q: Bond. We've just spotted Jason Bourne, a world-class assassin from the American agency Treadstone, in your area. It appears that he is here to kill you.
Bond: Is that right? Ok. Where is he?
Q: He's coming into the casino as we speak. I advise that you lure him away from all of the people, if you intend to cross guns with him.
Bond: The thought never crossed my mind
Bond gets up and starts looking around. Jason Bourne, meanwhile, is walking through the casino, attempting to keep a low profile. He thumbs for the pistol in his belt. Bond quickly sees Bourne's reflection in the glass of the fridge in front of him. He walks into the crowd, drawing his gun. Bourne sees him and aims with his gun.
Bond: That's a little bit hasty.
Bond draws his gun and shoots it up at the ceiling. People start screaming and running, a lot of tehm barging into Bourne, spoiling his aim. Bourne's gun misfires three times, bullets ricochet everywhere. People pour out of the casino as Bourne is knocked on to his backside, his gun kicked repeatedly away from him by the crowd. When it is only the two of them left in the casion, Bond approaches him, calmly, shaking his head and smiling.
Bond: You certainly know how to make an entrance.
Bond aims with his gun and fires. Bourne instinctively rolls out of the way and lunges for his gun. Grabbing it, he rises quickly to his feet and aims at Bond.
Bourne: You are coming with me...in one piece, or in pieces. I don't care which.
Bond: I am not going anywhere.
Bourne fires first and Bond calmly ducks, before returning fire three times as he backs away towards the bar. Bourne continues fire until his clips empty as Bond vaults behind the bar, crouching as low as he can and fishing a bottle of wine out of the nearest fridge. Bourne reloads and takes aim again. Bond reappears and hurls the bottle of wine at Bourne. Bourne reaches out and catches it, before throwing it right back at Bond, who catches it twice as fast before it hits him in the face. Using the bottle as a diversion, Bourne fires twice at Bond, who throws himself to the ground. The bottle of wine flies out of reach and shatters at Bourne's feet.
Bond: That is a seriously awful waste of 1815 Napoleonic brandy. He turns and fires at Bourne, who's gun is cracked in half by the bullet. Bourne curses and drops the two halves of a gun. Bond vaults over the bar and charges at Bourne, firing desperately. Bourne picks up a metal tray off a nearby table and uses it as a shield, and the bullets slam into the metal, creating dents. Bourne looks over the shield and tries to use the tray as a club, but Bond roars, leaps and spear-tackles him to the ground. Jason shoves him away and flips to his feet. Bond backs away as Jason throws a kick. James retaliates by hooking an arm around Bourne's neck and pulling him close. Bourne throws his legs on top of a table and propels his entire body up against Bond, so that he does a cartwheel over Bond's shoulders and lands behind him. Bond turns around and the two grapple brutally, occasionally throwing knees and elbows at each other. The grapple takes them across the casino and over a card table, when Bond springs to his feet and kicks a collection of poker chips in Bourne's face, before turning and running for the snooker table. Borune struggles upright and chases after him. Bond picks up a snooper pole and swings it like a sword. Bourne uses a pool triangle as a shield to redirect and deflect Bond's attacks. After fifteen clashes between the pole and the triangle, the pole snaps and Bond holds the pole with one half in each hand, and spins them like a ninja. He attacks Bourne again, and Bourne uses his elbows to block the succession of blows desperately. Bourne lashes out with the sides of his hands, each hand striking the nerve points in Bond's wrists, making him drop the clubs. Bourne then grabs him in an armlock, and Bond groans in pain.
Bourne: I could break your arm from this position. I don't want to. Come quietly and I won't have to.
Bond snarls and counters to the arm lock by twisting his body so that he and Bourne have swapped positions. Bond swings Bourne against a wall, and the surface cracks. Bourne stumbles back, his face bleeding. The two of them briefly face off.
Bourne: Give up, or I'll kill you!
Bond: No. You won't.
He lunges at Bourne, and the two of them grapple across the ground, into the streets, until Bourne tucks his legs in and kicks out at Bond, propelling him backwards off of Bourne. Bond staggers frantically and Bourne searches for something to use as a weapon. Bond reloads his gun with another clip and fires. In slow motion, the bullet travels across the distance between them. Bourne, yelling, twists out of the bullet's path. The bullet passes him by and hits the fuel tank of a nearby car. The car explodes, throwing Bourne off his feet. Bourne back-flips and lands cleanly on his feet, but Bond has turned towards his Aston Martin and escaped. Bourne runs to the first car he sees, hot-wires it and races after him. A car chase ensues, with Bourne gripping the wheel in one hand and producing a pistol with the other. He fires blindly at Bond, and the bullets crack into the windows of Bond's car, but fail to break through. Bond, in his car, casually reaches into the glove compartment and presses an unseen switch. A missile shoots out of the exhaust pipe of his car and smashes into the wheel of Bourne's car, making it burst into flames. Bourne snarls and slams on the accelerator. His car smashes into the back of Bond's Aston, and Bond yells as the Aston's back wheels are jolted on to the hood of Bourne's car.
Bourne: Let's see you get out of this!
Bond struggles to keep control of his car, which is now positioned on the hood of Bourne's car in such a way that the hoot is facing diagonally upwards.
Bond: That wasn't very nice.
Bond slams on to the brakes and the car veers right on top of Bourne's car, so that Bond is rectly over Bourne. Bond produces his Walther PPK and aims it carefully down on Bourne. He fires at the bottom of the car, and the bullets punch through the body of both vehicles. Bourne reflexively dodges, losing control of his car, which veers into the wall of a nearby building. The cars crunch into the wall, but Bourne throws himself out of the window of his car, smashing right through the glass easily. He combat-rolls when he hits the ground. At the same time, the sunroof of Bond's car opens and Bnd rockets out, high into the air. A parachute deploys on his back. He disappears from sight.
Bourne gradually gets to his feet, gun in hand. He spies the appartment block that Bond escaped into and stalks into it, hodling his gun in front of him. A shadow shifts behind him as he goes up the stairs and he jerks around, aiming with his gun, but there's no one there.
Bourne: Do you plan on hiding forever, 007?
Bond: (Unseen) Do I look like the hiding type? You know me. I know you: Jason Bourne. Your mind has been repeatedly wiped before every mission, every memory except for detective skills, vehicular warfare, marksmanship and highly advanced hand-to-hand combat. Treadstone, am I right? You are good.
Bourne: Speak for yourself.
He kicks a door down and enters an empty bedroom. He walks in, when he hears a repetitive beeping. His attention is turned to a lone pen on a nearby bedside table. The end of it is beeping red. The beeping intensifies.
He throws himself out of the nearest window and grabs hold of the gutter pipe, stopping himself from falling, just as the pen explodes and a tongue of red flame bursts out of the window Bourne scales down the building and lands cleanly on his feet only to realise the sleeve of his jacket is on fire. He rips the jacket off and throws it to the ground. He staggers to retrieve his gun, before turning just as Bond appears out of nowhere and punches him under the jaw. Bourne sprawls on the sidewalk behind him and Bond takes his gun from him. Bourne flips to his feet and throws a kick which Bond dodges. Bourne picks up a large, knife-shaped shard of glass and attacks. The two men furiously and rapidly exchange blows. Bourne throws a series of kicks, which Bond easily dodges and jumps over, but Bourne also uses the shard of glass as a knife. Bourne twists and pushes the shard out of the way time and again, before finally cracking the barrel of the gun against Bourne's forehead. Bourne returns with a reverse-grip slice to Bond's neck. Bourne raises the gun so that the shard is trapped inside the trigger guard. Bond twists the gun so that Bourne is quickly disarmed. Bourne immediately recovers and kicks Bond in the chest, knocking him to the ground. Bond rolls backwards, and Bourne runs to attack him again. Bond's backward-roll ends with him on his knees, back straight, both hands holding the gun.
He shoots Bourne in the chest with his very last bullet. Bourne stops dead in his tracks and falls to his knees, his eyes looking incredulously at Bond.
Bond: James Bond.
He fires again, shooting Jason between the eyes - Jason falls forward, dead long before he hits the ground. Bond tucks his gun away and walks back towards the casino where the fight started, leaving Bourne's corpse behind. He enters the casino, where a lone vodka martini sits on the bar. He sits himself down, picks up the glass and studies it.
Bond: Shaken, not stirred. Perfect.
Bond's earpiece whirs.
Q: Bond! Are you there? The police are shouting about a high-speed chase along the East End. Are you alright?
Bond: I'm fine. Bourne is dead.
Q: Dead? Wow! Must have put up quite a fight.
Bond: He was tricky. Goodnight, Q.
Bond removes the earpiece and tosses it to one side. He raises the glass as if in a toast, then sips the martini.
(Cues* Goldfinger instrumental theme)
Boomstick: Holy shit, that was brutal. I LOVED IT!
Wiz: Granted, Jason Bourne is an excellent fighter, a superb assassin and a dangerous enemy, but James Bond is on a whole different level.
Boomstick: Bourne was a badass, and uses anything he can find as a weapon, but Bond already comes to the party packed with weaponry. Plus, Bond always has a trick up his sleeve - possibly including an extra bullet, just to be safe - and isn't just an assassin: he's a spy and a master of stealth.
Wiz: Bourne did a great job at fighting off Bond in hand-to-hand fighting, but Bond trumped everything else. Bourne has been trained to kill, but Bond has a wider variety of skills that enable him to overpower somebody as resourceful as Bourne.
Boomstick: When the car chase came to a rather brutal conclusion, Bond fought smart and set a trap that only Bourne would fall into. He used stealth and subterfuge to outwit Bourne, and even though the bomb trick didn't really work, Bond succeeded in exhausting the shit out of his opponent and only had to wait for Bourne to tire and to make a desperate, stupid mistake, and then to end the fight with the pull of a trigger.
Wiz: It looks like Bond trumped Bourne by a long shot!
Boomstick: Yeah, no shit...wait! I do the cool closing lines, and anyway that one was terrible...
Wiz: The winner is James Bond.